If He Had Been with Me

I’m currently doing a reading challenge to read 12 books for 2023. This book was supposed to last me all of February…it lasted me not even 72 hours. I had so many thoughts and feelings throughout. I could not put this book down and I’m coming back a day later to write this because I cannot stop thinking about it. (No spoilers though, I promise), I’ll be honest, I don’t usually particularly love books that have to do with being in high school. It’s been a hot minute since I graduated high school so books like this tend to be difficult for me to relate to or find interest in. This book mainly used high school to set the plot for certain details of the story and I don’t feel that it spent too much time talking about the character being in a high school classroom (in my opinion)., The main character Autumn could be relatable at times but I also had moments where I was angry with her behavior. I think a big reason for this had to be the fact that I could see my younger self in parts of Autumn, which is more of a personal thing than anything. However, the author tackled a lot of tough topics when it came to this character, which made it easier to see the human aspects of her and let go of some of my annoyance., I had no idea what I was walking into with this book and I am still shocked by the events that happened. I had audible reactions to this book, cringed at the book, I threw the book at one point…I am still a day later thinking about the ending. I highly suggest this book to anyone who likes a good love story and a little bit of drama. However, prepare yourself to be all over the place and for the ending to make you cry.

(Possible spoiler) At first I was in the fence about reading the book but then I saw a lot of hype about it so I tried it. Listen okay I was NOT ready for this book! With the beginning it basically informs you what happens but the whole book you’re telling yourself that it can’t come to that. That there has to be another way. A different outcome. Then things are great and your heart is happy for the characters but now you’re scared. Then you get to the dreaded last few pages and it literally feels like your heart has been ripped from your chest. I cried so hard my toddler came up to ask if I was okay. This book wrecked me. I’m so happy I found it and read it. The title of the book hits different once you finish this masterpiece. Honestly it was put together so well and worth your time reading it. I finished the book within 24 hours. So, please read the book.

*Spoilers*, Firstly I can’t remember who raved about this book and recommended it to me but I’d like to give them a piece of my mind. There were so many frustrating things about the sentences and how poorly this book was structured. It’s the worst one by far with this issue. I’ve read to many books to count. The author was all over the place. And no I’m not talking about the time skipping of months going by (I like books like that), which were pretty confusing as one sentence would be early spring and the next paragraph it would be fall. With no spacing or marking to show passing of time like most authors would do. There were very few dates used (more toward the end of the book). Mainly holidays used as markers. The author would go back and forth from present to future to past without any information to what is what. I couldn’t tell what were the main characters thoughts and what were actually memories of her and finny. The actual story I liked though. A few things I think the story could have absolutely done without but that is just personal preference. The whole teenage baby mama situation.. why? It provided nothing. The mention at the end of the book of finny holding the baby? That’s all that side story was meant for. Could have just done without it. I love tragic stories and endings. Of ppl who are meant to be. Who know they love each other, but who don’t communicate and ruin their own chances of happiness. It’s real life and it’s raw. It’s why the show normal people is my favorite. Which this book reminded me a bit of. All the miscommunication the let’s be friends to not being friends to being lovers. It could have been a great story like that one. Until the author said she was pregnant after being hospitalized, after trying to unalive herself after finny died. Why the pregnancy. Why couldn’t she have just died, or better yet lived and turned into the writer she was meant to be. To move on with time and become that writer in that coffee shop., Why must women have to become mothers to somehow have the will to live again? As the story ends with exactly that. She magically now has the will to live now that she has to live to raise a child *eye roll*. Instead of it being tragic or her becoming what she’s meant to be. It ruined the whole story for me. I’m tired of stories ending in pregnancies and being used to make a character have something to live for. The character should have died like finny. It would have been the tragic love story I thought this book was supposed to be. Needless to say I won’t be reading the finny’s perspective book that’s coming out. One last thing I will note, the main character is 100% undiagnosed autistic, it made it worth reading the rest of the book.